The Misadventures of the Girl Next Door

Full Disclosure, Part 1.

2011-11-21T22:13:00.001-06:00

Daniel's story begins in early 2007. Daniel was always someone I was aware of, he was an acquaintance of several of my friends. One night he was out drinking, and I asked him to play "Captain Save-a-ho" and keep this creeper off the trail of a friend and I. As we were driving him home, it became clear that there may have been a spark there. Well, knowing we were dropping this man off at the home he shared with his wife, I thought nothing of it.

Until the next weekend, when I ended up taking his man back to my apartment after a night of drinking.

My conscience was clear, up until I woke up in the morning, and he was still there. After all, I wasn't the one cheating. We parted ways and went about out lives. There were uncomfortable passings and exchanges, but life goes on.

A year or so went by, and I started my new job; where he was a supervisor in another department. Our paths didn't cross very often and I made sure of it.

Until the just before Christmas 2009, one fateful night, after a long night at work, he ended up bumping into a group of my friends and I at a local tavern. As he knew everyone in the group and he was flying solo, he joined in the shenanigans. After parting ways at bar close, he contacted me through good old Facebook. 30 minutes later, he was on my couch.

Almost proud of myself, I sent him on his way around 4 am. I gave myself bonus points for a repeat visitor that was now essentially my boss. Sex points +2. Add 2 more points for the fact that I was also his wife's boss, essentially. (**face palm**).

The Addison Files

2011-11-21T21:56:00.001-06:00

Over the weekend, it was noticed that the local law enforcement was parked outside Addison's apartment. It appears that she text JT a very mournful sob story, that she took 4,000 mg of some drug (honestly, I wasn't listening) and said that she hoped he was proud of what he had done to her.

The rah-tard was absolutely blown away, JT called 911 and reported her suicide text. Well, little miss attention whore's plan backfired, when 2 uniformed officers appeared at her door at 7 pm on a Saturday night.

To avoid Addison being admitted to the psych ward, my poor roommate had to promise the officer that she would sit with the dumb ass all night and spend the night.

After this attempt for male attention back fired, she pulled another stunt this morning.

I received a desperate phone call from her this morning, while Daniel and I were getting ready for his divorce hearing. She needed Jenny to come sit her kids, she was violently ill and needed to get to the ER. Well, she was determined that she has bronchitis, because after all, Jenny had it.

It seems she has shifted her attention tactics to my roommate, since the boys no longer come a-running. I hate to burst Miss Addie's bubble, Jenny isn't going to put up with this shit at all.

You know what your problem is?

2011-11-14T12:30:00.000-06:00

You think you don't have a problem.

Addison is on thee back porch weeping her eyes out. JT is bringing the drama again. Well, assuming drama means taking his money and threatening to leave... again.

My answer to her is this. How about you stop milking the system, get off your lazy ass and get a job. Try actually providing for your children. Do not expect the system to just take care of it. I am getting really sick of my tax money buying your weed.

I DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR YOU!

Let's talk about Daniel, the newest roommate, in our next post. It'll have to be in parts, because it's an epic story.

The Girl Next Door to the Girl Next Door

2011-11-11T20:35:00.000-06:00

There is a swirl of stories around me, here's one. Addison, the girl next door.

Addison and her 2 kids moved in next door a few months after I did. She seemed like your run of the mill far too young, single mom. She's proving to be a delicious surprise. Shortly after she moved in, she revealed to my roommate Jenny, that she was currently under investigation for drug trafficking; and that they had proof too. She dodged that bullet pretty skillfully, which means that some po-dunk small town cop dropped the ball and she walked.

Well, she's been living on the other side of the wall now for almost a year. In that time, we've seen boys come and go, and come and go and come and go.... But never the same one twice. She quickly established herself as a ho; fo sho. The only thing we didn't see happening, was her leaving for work...ever. We saw her kids leave for daycare, but she always came right back. It became clear early on, that welfare momma was milking the system. Time went on, and somewhere along the way, she landed herself a man! There was much rapture and rejoicing in her world.

Sadly, JT came along just as she decided to get off her lazy ass and get a job. She worked at McDonald's for 4 hours a week, because she had no choice. They were pulling her rent, energy, and daycare assistance if she didn't. JT came into the picture and showered her with affection (loudly...giggity) and gifts. One of these gifts was a brand new nose piercing, that was strictly forbidden in the work place. So, instead of taking out the nose ring....we quit our job. She proudly announced that JT's disability check was enough for them to live off of, and he was moving in. At first, he said his disability was due to a knee injury; we later found out it was mental illness.

Arguments next door ensued. Door slamming, screaming, the whole nine yards. In addition to hearing it play out on the other side of the paper thin wall, we got to watch the relationship status changes on Facebook. A status changed happened no less then 2 times daily.

"In a relationship"
"Single"
"It's complicated"
"Engaged"
"In a relationship"
"Single"

By the next morning, they were always in love again. Until, Addison wanted to do anything without him, or talked to another human being or wasn't stuck at his side holding his hand. He even went so far as to cut himself one day, while she was having coffee with Jenny.

Somewhere along the way, it was revealed that JT was a recovering addict and was looking to get back in touch with the Baby Jesus, to keep him back on the straight and narrow. Our apartment building happens to be directly behind one of those sketchy little cult like churches. The heavens open, the angels sang....they were saved. JT dove head first into the bible and was bringing Addison with him. She was not really allowed to come over much at first, because I am a heathen (We will get to that later, lol). Even though JT had handed his life over to the Baby Jesus, and even went so far as to become the church's new youth pastor, the fighting continued. Until one day, JT came home with the answer to all their problems.

The apartment was possessed. It wasn't mental illness making him snap every 32 hours or so, it was the evil spirits living in the apartment. So off to the church to get some holy water (not a Catholic church, btw.) to rid the house of it's evil presence. While performing the exodus, the spirits attacked him and ravaged him and the bedroom. Clearly, there was evil that no one but the FUCKING CRAZY man could see.

Lucky for us, this did not solve the problems. Amidst their last truly epic battle, the relationship came to an end. He packed his belongings, and he and his disability check hit the road. Addison quickly announced to the world that she was not subjecting herself to the evils wiles of men; her 2 boys were the only men she needed.

Two days later, there's a new boy, Mikey; upstanding, appears educated, gainfully employed, and apparently decent. Jenny and I are kind of taken back, by her somewhat sound decision. Less than one week later, the wonderful JT returns. He comes to Addison begging for redemption, love, acceptance and a place to stay; because he now has a failing heart. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Any sane woman would have sent him packing. However, we are not dealing with average people. She allows him to move in to assist with his recovery, but only as a friend. Rightfully intimidated, Mikey begins staying at the house all the time. Jenny and I keep peaking around the corner, expecting the TLC TV crew to roll up any second. This woman cannot seriously be attempting co-habituation with her ex-fiance and current boyfriend. Is this a new pitch idea for Brother Husbands? What is she trying to accomplish?

Well, Mikey, being smarter than the average bear has bolted and we are left with JT, the guy who introduced himself to me as a "white rapper".

Stay tuned for more stupidity.

I'll have a SoCo Old Fashioned Sweet, Please

2011-11-11T18:39:00.000-06:00

I must pretty damn old fashioned for 31 years old.

In my mind, you meet someone, get to know them a little, enter into a relationship with them and after a couple of months; you nervously tell that person that you love them.

Instead, I just overheard a co-worker (I'll identify her in another story) tell her brand spanking new boyfriend (they've been on 1 date) that she loves him. She hasn't even had a hearing for her divorce yet.

Am I outdated?

She's got 99 problems...

2011-11-04T18:33:00.000-05:00

And a bitch very well might be one.

I am not one to condone crime or breaking the law in any manner. However, this girl, got a free pass.

I was cruising a Dollar Tree store the other day, (For those of you unfamiliar, it's one of those "Everything's a dollar" stores) looking for bargins. Well, as I was rounding the corner of the aisle; I witnessed a 20-something girl stealing a pregnancy test.

I looked the other way. If girl ain't got a dollar, she's got bigger problems than just a bun in the oven.